BIBLE ABSURDITIES
Compiled by Donald Morgan
These
lists are meant to identify possible problems in the Bible, especially
problems which are inherent in a literalist or fundamentalist
interpretation. Some of the selections may be resolvable on certain
interpretations--after all, almost any problem can be eliminated
with suitable rationalizations--but it is the reader's obligation
to test this possibility and to decide whether it really makes appropriate
sense to do this. To help readers in this task, these lists are
aimed at presenting examples where problems may exist given certain
allowable (but not always obligatory) assumptions.
GE
1:1 "In the beginning God created the heaven(s) and the earth."
(But where did God dwell before he had created heaven and earth?)
(Note: Biblicists have determined that biblical chronology fixes
the date of creation at 4004 B.C. thereby making the earth about
six thousand years old. Creationists stubbornly adhere to this timetable
in spite of overwhelming evidence that the earth is actually billions
of years old. Archaeologists tell us that the biblical city of Jericho
has, itself, been continuously occupied for more than ten thousand
years.)
GE
1:3-5, 14-19 There was light
("night and day") before there was a sun. (Note: If there were no
sun, there would be no night or day. Also, light from the newly
created heavenly bodies seems to have reached the earth instantaneously
though it now takes thousands or millions of years.)
GE
1:12, 16 Plants began to grow before there was sunlight.
GE
1:29 Every plant and tree which yield seed are given to us by
God as good to eat. (Note: This would include poisonous plants such
as hemlock, buckeye pod, nightshade, oleander.)
GE
2:15-23, 3:1-5,
1TI 2:14
Eve was created after Adam had already been given the prohibition
about eating the forbidden fruit. Eve believed the serpent (the
craftiest of all of God's wild creatures) when he assured her that
she would become wise and would not die if she ate the fruit. Eve
has been blamed for causing Adam to fall, and ultimately for the
fall of mankind. (Note: Prior to eating the forbidden fruit, Adam
and Eve would have had no knowledge of right and wrong; they would
not have known that it was a sin to disobey God or to obey the serpent.
After they ate the forbidden fruit, God placed a guard around the
"Tree of Eternal Life" to keep them from eating its fruit. He could
have done the same for the "Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil"
before Adam and Eve disobeyed. In addition, even though the prohibition
regarding the forbidden fruit was made to Adam before Eve came on
the scene, Eve has been blamed for the Fall; 1TI 2:14 says: "... Adam
was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and became a transgressor.")
GE
3:1-5 The serpent speaks human language (presumably Hebrew).
GE
3:14-16 God curses the serpent, Eve, and Adam for what they
have done. (Note: This is inconsistent with God's omniscience; God
should have known full well, ahead of time, what the outcome would
be. Since God created the three as well as the Tree of Knowledge,
he is ultimately responsible for the Fall.)
GE
3:14 The serpent eats dust for the rest of his life (by command
of God).
GE
4:15 A mark is placed on Cain as a distinctive identifying symbol
when there were only three (known) persons on earth.
GE
4:17 Cain builds and populates a whole city in only two generations.
GE
6:4 There were giants on the earth at one time. (Note: No evidence
exists to supports this assertion.)
GE
6:5 God is unhappy with the wickedness of man and decides to
flood the earth to eliminate mankind. All living things including
plants, animals, women and innocent children are also exterminated.
(Note: This is like burning down a house to rid it of mice.)
GE
6:15 The size of Noah's Ark was such that there would be about
one and a half cubic feet for each pair of the 2,000,000 to 5,000,000
species to be taken aboard.
GE
7:17-19 The flood covered the entire earth at the same time.
(Note: There is no evidence of a worldwide flood, but rather of
many, widespread, but local floods.)
GE
7:19-20 The flood covered the earth with water fifteen cubits
(twenty plus feet) above the highest mountains.(Note: This would
require steady, worldwide rainfall at the rate of about 6 inches
per minute, 360 inches per hour, 8640 inches per day--for 40 days
and nights--so as to cover the entire earth with an endless ocean
5 miles deep, thus burying 29,000 ft. Mt. Everest under 22 ft. of
water. How did the author know the depth of the water? Did Noah
take soundings? And where has all this water gone?)
GE
8:20 Noah's first recorded action following the flood is to
sacrifice one of every clean animal and bird. (Since so few animals
were saved, this could be considered rather wasteful and defeating.
To see a discussion of the various ways this verse can be interpreted,
and in turn the different ways to approach the Bible generally,
see addendum)
GE
8:21 The odor of Noah's sacrifices was pleasing to the Lord.
GE
9:12-16 God first creates the rainbow. (Note: Apparently the
laws having to do with refraction of light were null and void prior
to this time.)
GE
18:1, 7-8 God eats solid food with Abraham.
GE
30:37-43 Jacob alters the genetic characteristics of cattle
by letting them view a striped rod. (Note: His purpose in doing
so was to fleece Laban of his cattle.)
GE
32:24-30 God takes part in a wrestling match. He wins by injuring
Jacob's hip.
GE
38:27-29 Twins are being delivered. One puts out his hand and
the midwife binds it with a scarlet ribbon to identify him as the
firstborn. But he draws back his hand, and his brother is born first
(thereby obtaining the rights of the firstborn son).
EX
4:24 The Lord sought to kill Moses (one of his own prophets.)
EX
12:30 The Lord kills all the first-born of Egypt and there is
not a house where there is not at least one dead. (This means that
there was not a house in Egypt that did not include at least one
first-born---a most unusual situation.)
EX
12:37, NU 1:45-46 The number
of men of military age who take part in the Exodus is given as about
600,000. Allowing for women, children, and older men would probably
mean that a total of more than 2,000,000 Israelites left Egypt at
a time when the whole population of Egypt was less than 2,000,000.
EX
17:14 God says that he will utterly blot out the remembrances
of Amalek. (That remembrance is now permanently preserved in the
Bible.)
EX
28:34-35 Entering the holy place without wearing bells can result
in death.
LE
11:20-21 There are winged creatures (birds or insects) that
go around on all fours. (Note: There are no birds that go around
on four legs, and all insects have six legs.)
LE
11:6 (States, incorrectly, that the rabbit, or hare, chews its
cud.)
LE
14:33-57 God himself believes that a house or clothes can have
leprosy and he details the remedy.
LE
14:49-53 The cure for leprosy involves incantations and the
blood of a bird.
NU
11:31-33 A "wind from the Lord" brings such an abundance of
quail that "he who gathered the least gathered ten homers," or about
62 bushels. Altogether, this would have been enough to fill several
thousand boxcars. Unfortunately, it was immediately followed by
a great plague (food poisoning?) from the Lord.
NU
22:21-30 A donkey sees an angel, recognizes it as such, and
then speaks in human language (presumably Hebrew) to his master.
DT
1:1 Moses speaks to "all" of Israel, perhaps 2,000,000 people
(see EX 12:37 above).
DT
2:14 All of the "men of war"--some 600,000--who left Egypt in
the Exodus were dead just thirty-eight years later. (See EX 12:37 above.)
DT
7:15 Moses promises his people that the Lord will take away
all sickness.
DT
25:5-9 A man has an obligation to produce a child with his brother's
widow. If he refuses, his sister-in-law is to spit in his face in
front of the elders.
JS
10:12-14 God obliges Joshua by making the sun and moon stand
still (so that he can finish his battle by daylight).
JG
3:21-22 (KJV) "Ehud ... took the dagger from his right thigh,
and thrust it into his belly. And the haft also went in after the
blade; and the fat closed upon the blade, so that he could not draw
the dagger out of his belly; and the dirt came out."
JG
7:12 The camels were without number as the sand of the sea.
JG
16:17-22 Samson loses his strength as a result of having his
head shaved. (Note: This is not psychosomatic since he began to
lose his strength while he was still asleep.)
JG
20:16 There were seven hundred men who were left handed and
could sling a stone at a hair and not miss.
1SA
2:8, JB 38:4, PS 104:5 The earth has
a foundation and cannot be moved.
1SA
5:8-9 God causes "emerods" (hemorrhoids or tumors) amongst the
Philistines (who have captured the Ark of the Covenant, where God
was thought to reside).
1SA
13:5 The Philistines had "... troops like the sand on the seashore
in multitude."
1SA
16:14-23 Evil spirits can come from God (and be exorcised with
God's help).
1KI
3:12, 16-28 Solomon, the wisest man that ever lived, can think
of no better way to determine the natural mother of a child in dispute
than to threaten to divide the child in half. (Note: This does not
take into account the possibility of mental derangement on the part
of the natural mother.)
1KI
4:29 God gave Solomon wisdom as measureless as the sand on the
seashore.
1KI
6:2, 2CH 3:3 Solomon's temple
was only about ninety feet long by thirty feet wide, and yet --
1KI 5:15-16 153,300
persons were employed to build it.
1KI 6:38 It took seven
years to build.
1CH 22:14 13,100,000
lbs. of gold and 116,400,000 lbs. of silver were consumed in its
construction.
1CH 23:4
24,000 supervisors and 6,000 officials and judges were employed
to manage it.
1KI
10:24 The whole world sought an audience with Solomon to hear
his wisdom.
1KI
17:2-6 The Lord commands ravens to bring bread and meat to Elijah.
1KI
18:33-38 Fire consumes wet wood, stones, and dust, and "licks
up" water.
2KI
6:5-7 An iron axe head "swims" (or floats).
2CH
9:23 All the kings on earth sought the presence of Solomon to
hear his wisdom.
2KI
13:21 A man who is being buried comes alive after touching the
bones of Elisha.
2KI
16:2, 20, 18:1-2
Ahaz was thirty-six years old when he died. His twenty-five year
old son Hezekiah succeeded him. Thus Ahaz was a ten or eleven year
old father.
2KI
19:35 (KJV) "...the angel of the Lord...smote...an hundred four
score and five thousand: and when they arose early in the morning
... they were all dead...."
2KI
20:11 The shadow on a sun dial moves backwards.
2CH
7:5, 8-9 Solomon sacrificed
22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep in one week. This is 845+ animals
per hour, 14+ animals per minute, for seven days straight.
2CH
21:20, 22:1-2 Ahaziah was
forty-two when he became king; he succeeded his father, who died
at the age of forty. Thus, Ahaziah was two years older than his
father.
2CH
13:3 Abijah sent 400,000 men into battle against Jeroboam's
800,000 men. This is a total of 1,200,000 men, all of them Jews.
(Note: Assuming one additional woman per man of fighting age, plus
two persons per man [either older persons or children] would put
the Jewish population of the surrounding area at a minimum of 4,800,000
persons; hardly feasible.)
2CH
13:17 500,000 Israelites are slain in a single battle. (Note:
This is more than were lost in any single battle of World War II,
and even exceeds the number of deaths that resulted from the dropping
of the atomic bombs on Nagasaki and Hiroshima. At Gettysburg, the
greatest battle of the Civil War, the defeated army lost 5,000 men.)
ES
6:6, JB 19:27, PS 7:9, 16:7, 73:21, PR 23:7, 16, IS 10:7, JE 11:20, 17:10, 20:12, MT 9:4, LK 2:19, 9:47, AC 8:22, RO 10:9-10, HE 4:12, RE 2:23 (See KJV especially.)
Thought occurs in the heart. The kidneys ("reins") are the seat
of conscience.(Note: This is not merely a poetic use of these terms,
as is now claimed. In early times, it was actually believed that
various body organs other than the brain were responsible for our
thoughts, feelings, actions and the like. The heart was believed
to be the seat of thought processes and beliefs, while the kidneys
were thought to be the seat of conscience.)
JB
9:6 (KJV) God shakes the earth out of its place and makes its
pillars tremble.
JB
9:7 God can make the sun not rise and seal up the stars.
JB
28:28, PS 111:10, PR 1:7, 9:10, 15:33, IS 33:6 Fear of the Lord
is equated with obtaining wisdom.
PS
58:8 Slugs and/or snails melt as they move.
PS
121:6 It is apparently possible to suffer moonstroke as well
as sunstroke.
PR
19:23, 22:4
Fear of the Lord brings freedom from trouble(s). Humility and fear
of the Lord bring wealth, honor, and life.
PR
20:30 Blows that wound cleanse away evil.
IS
11:12, RE 7:1 The earth has
four corners.
IS
24:1 (KJV) The earth can be turned upside down so as to scatter
its inhabitants.
IS
30:26 The moon will someday be as bright as the sun now is.
(Note: Until relatively recent times, the moon and the planets were
thought to give off their own light.)
IS
38:8 The shadow of the Sun is made to move backwards.
IS
40:22 The earth is a circle. (Note: The earth is really a sphere,
not a circle, and this verse does not imply a sphere as some believers
like to infer.)
JE
20:7, EZ 14:9 Jeremiah says that
the Lord deceived his own prophet. God himself says that he deceives
his own prophets in order to get rid of them.
EZ
37:1-10 Dry bones come alive.
DN
4:11 Daniel dreams of a tree so tall that it can be seen to
the ends of the earth. (Note: This implies a flat earth.)
AM
8:9 The Sun will be made to set at noon in "clear day."
MT
4:8 There is a high mountain from which all the kingdoms of
the world can be seen. (Note: This implies a flat earth.)
MT
4:23-24, 9:32-33, 12:22, 17:14-18, MK 1:23-26, 32-34, 5:2-16, 9:17-29, 16:9, LK 11:14, 4:33-35, 8:2, 27-36, 9:38-42, AC 8:7, 16:16-18 Both physical
and mental Illness are caused by demon possession and can be cured
by exorcism.
MT
7:7-8, LK 11:9-10 Ask and it will
be given. Seek and you will find. Everyone who asks, receives.
MT
13:41 Jesus will send his angels to purge his kingdom of evildoers
and sin. (Note: How did evildoers get into his kingdom in the first
place?)
MT
17:20, 21:21, MK 9:23, 10:27, 11:23, LK 17:6 Faith can move mountains.
Nothing is impossible if you have faith [as small as] a grain of
mustard seed.
MT
18:19 If two [believers] agree about anything they ask, God
will do it for them.
MT
21:22, MK 11:24 Whatever you ask
in prayer, if you have faith, you will receive it.
MT
24:29-30 Although the sun and the moon have been darkened and
the stars have fallen from heaven, there is still enough light to
see.
MT
26:52 All who take the sword will perish by it.
MT
27:52-53 The bodies of dead saints arise and go in force in
the city.
MK
11:12-14, 20-21 Jesus curses a fig tree for not bearing fruit
out of season. (Note: Rather than cause the fig tree to wither and
to bear fruit never again, he could have performed a miracle and
made it bear fruit even out of season.)
MK
16:17-18 Those who believe are able to handle snakes and drink
any deadly poison without suffering harm.
LK
1:39-42 The fetus in Elizabeth's womb jumps for joy when Elizabeth
hears Mary (who is pregnant with Jesus).
LK
22:28-30 Jesus assigns each of his twelve disciples (including
Judas, his betrayer) a place (or throne) in his kingdom.
JN
6:24-30 A large crowd of persons (probably several thousand)
asks Jesus for a sign so that
they might see and believe. This occurs immediately following the
Feeding of the Multitude which should have been one of the greatest
miracles and most convincing signs of all time.
JN
8:51 Jesus says: "... if anyone keeps my word, he will never
see death."
JN
12:34 A crowd of persons (speaking in unison?) asks Jesus a
thirty word question.
JN
16:23 Jesus says: "Whatever you ask in my name, my Father will
give you."
RO
10:17-18, CN
1:23 The gospel had already been preached to every living creature
even in Paul's time.
2CO
12:2 There are at least three heavens.
2CO
12:4 There are things which cannot be told--things which man
cannot utter.
GA
1:8-9 An angel (from God?) who preaches a gospel contrary to
that of Paul will incur Paul's wrath.
1TI
5:11 Younger widows want to marry because their sensual desires
overcome their dedication to Christ.
1TI
6:10 The love of money is the root of all evil(s).
TS
1:12 "One of themselves, even a prophet of their own, said,
The Cretians are alway liars ...." (Figure the logic of this verse.)
HE
7:1-3 Melchizedek had no mother or father, no beginning or end.
RE
14:1-4 Heaven is to be inhabited in part by 144,000 virgin men
who have not been "defiled" by women.
RE
21:16 The city of New Jerusalem (where the residents of heaven
reside) is only about 1500 miles square.
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